Sunday, May 10, 2015

Life // Amplified + Overwhelmed

Ah .
Nearly a year gone by .
And what a year .
What a complete whirlwind .
What a complete wonder .
The wonder of life + all that it entails, particularly in regards to this recent role of motherhood .

Not so, so recent, after all, as my sweet boy approaches a year and a half in only two weeks .
But recent in regards to my life as a whole .
As one long spectrum, continuum of time .

And where does my heart begin to express the whirlwind + wonder that is motherhood ?

Just as the time before I was called Mama, there remains the same life feelings of joy + excitement, discovery + contentment, understanding + curiosity, frustration + unrest, sadness + disappointment . All of these feelings are still here . The motivation that drives progress + the comparison that occasionally stunts it is still here . None of these feelings are void when motherhood rolls around .

The thing motherhood has done, however, has A M P L I F I E D them all .

Motherhood is such an incredibly overwhelming concept for me . And just recently did I began to see that this process of amplification is what overwhelms me . But not overwhelmed defined as to "bury or drown beneath a huge mass." And not overwhelm as in "defeat completely" . But motherhood has overwhelmed me, as defined as to "give too much of a thing." Motherhood has overwhelmed, "given too much of a thing", AMPLIFIED abundantly, these many life feelings .

It has AMPLIFIED the joy + excitement of each tiny daily happening, realizing that the small details of life are each so new and compelling to my boy . That no little happening goes unnoticed by him . That no little thing is a dead end to enjoyment or play . The joy and excitement I have seeing HIS joy and excitement in all things is overwhelming .

It has AMPLIFIED the feeling of discovery as he explores and seeks out the world around him . He doesn't wait for time to slow down, or the Earth to stop for a moment so he can catch up to whatever it is that interests him. He is content with what is there + what is happening + what he can discover in any given moment . And his contentment AMPLIFIES my contentment . And it overwhelms .

Feelings of understanding + curiosity are AMPLIFIED when I notice the way his eyes squint as he makes connections here + there + everywhere and does not tire in a world that stimulates his every sense every moment of the day . He is only motivated to be stimulated more . To see more, hear more, feel more, taste more // He doesn't so much care for smells just yet . HA

In the way my small child's mind + heart + body have displayed each of these life feelings, my own feelings are only grown immensely . The feelings of joy + excitement + thrill + discovery + contentment + understanding + curiosity + motivation are all significantly increased with the opportunity to let these feelings and labeled life emotions spill over + out of my own heart and bubble and burst over into my son's . Overwhelming .

I wish it ended there . The amplification of emotions that send your heart soaring + your face glowing in the sunlight of beautiful days gone by . But it does more . Motherhood has also amplified the feelings that are often harder to express . The frustration + unrest, sadness + disappointment, the worries + the comparison that lingers and shades the sun from your eyes . These emotions, too, are not void with the presence of a babe in your arms .

In fact, even the lack of motherhood can bring about these raw emotions and feelings . As overwhelming as motherhood itself can be, the road to motherhood can be just as, even more overwhelming. The road that is more of a struggle than anticipated . The road that doesn't seem to be direct or easy . The road of motherhood that has come to a sudden end with no real rhyme or reason or hope for days ahead . It can be overwhelming . It can be too much of a thing .

In the last year and half, there have been the highest of highs while also the lowest of lows . And motherhood has AMPLIFIED all things + has overwhelmed me in that the feelings are sometimes too much , beyond what I've known before .

I do not believe that any sole moment in my life - even marriage - has grown me as much as becoming a mother has . This thing, motherhood, has so AMPLIFIED my emotions + attitudes + motivations, like none other .

And like no other thing, motherhood, has lead my heart back - time and time again - to the true + original Parent of us all .
Becoming a mother has brought my heart full circle . AMPLIFYING each emotion the Lord has so carefully placed in my heart, and abundantly AMPLIFYING my understanding of His love + His grace + His purposes in me + His incredible creation . And understanding His love + His grace + His purposes in me + His incredible creation + the way that He so fearfully and wonderfully wove each of us together + the way that He knows all of our cares and all of our strengths and all of our faults and all of the hairs on our head - THAT is overwhelming . THAT is too much of a thing . Too much of a good, good thing . But it is real, nonetheless .

The joys + excitements+ discoveries + contentments + understandings + curiosities are amplified as a mother . Seeing my role parenting a child from the perspective of Him, who was our Father first, brings wisdom and direction and peace . Day after day with my son, I am given new eyes to appreciate his innocence and his need to be cared for and taught and shown what is right + good + true . And having fresh eyes + giving grace to my babe in the capacity in which I have been given grace - unending - only brings about more goodness in it all .

The frustrations + unrests, sadness + disappointments, worries + comparisons are amplified as a mother . The feelings we know exist only because we live in a fallen world that has been tainted by sin . These feelings, amplified, bring us right back to the Gospel . These feelings are real, but not without hope . These feelings are real, but the Gospel remembers that Jesus has already overcome the world .

Motherhood amplifies all + overwhelms in a way that pushes beyond me . The whirlwind + the wonder of it all goes beyond me . It is Him . Every bit of being a mother that I have experienced has lead me back to the Gospel, back to the Lord who felt the amplification of love for His children first . Every bit of being a mother that I have experienced has paralleled the Gospel story of being created in love, falling short + unable to save myself, being shown grace upon grace + mercy that triumphs judgement, and being restored + renewed in a story that screams God's glory + not my own .

And so, again, where does my heart begin to express the whirlwind + wonder that is motherhood ?
Begin to express the AMPLIFIED + OVERWHELMING of it all ?

The Gospel .
Is all .
I have .

May this role of motherhood always be a full circle, bringing me from raised hands to my knees, time + time again, always seeking the amplified + overwhelmed heart from He who loved us first, His children, and knows my own heart better than I ever shall .